a blog for someone who cannot shut up....

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Mac Madness

I finally shed the PC world in early May when I picked up this Mac iBook G4. I had not purchased a new computer since 1999, so this was not unlike "Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer" when I started using the Mac. Easy to use, instant WiFi access, the Dashboard feature - I loved all of it. Almost 2 months of pure consumer satisfaction. I should have known it was too perfect to be true.

In a nutshell, the Mac began freezing up and became unusable. Its not like I was using it to tap into NORAD and try to derail Mr. Kim Jong's ballistic assault. I was trying to read ESPN and send/receive e-mail. Nothing major. So I sent it back to Apple Repair and patiently waited for it to come back. 8 days later the unit comes back and its like Christmas morning. That is, until it started to show the same problems after only 5 hours of use. I was apoplectic, and that is an understatement (can there be a level of anger beyond apoplectic? perhaps we can call it "catatonic rage") Little did I know that it would pale in comparison to the levels of incredulity that came when I encountered some of the denizens of Apple Tech Support.

My first nomination for "Obtuse Asshole Tech Support Person" is someone we'll call Sam. I got to talk to this gentleman after the initial call earlier in the day, by the time I had realized that Apple's initial repairs did nothing to fix the problem. He attempted to regurgitate some policies about their repair process and I had to interject and tell him I knew what he is referring to and can't we just move this along. My prize for trying to be efficient? "Sir, you are very rude. Every time I start talking you cut me off. That is very, very rude." Oh yeah, Sammy? Rude? Tell you what, nerd. Stop that unending conveyor belt of absolute bullshit rolling out of your mouth and just get me to someone who will A) let a disgruntled customer rant a bit when his $1000 electronics purchase performs like a drink coaster and B) will not lecture a customer about proper conversational etiquette when the customer has just received a supposedly repaired computer. FAH Q, just like Ben Afflect's paddle said in Dazed & Confused.

The next candidate would be Barbara in Customer Relations. I was forwarded to her after talking to Sam, the skillfull diplomat. After I gave her a total reset of the scenario, she must have reached deep to try to help. How deep? How about this: "Well, sir, I am sorry to hear about your troubles. My notes do indicate, however, that we got the unit back to you in the 7-10 day timeframe we promise." Of course, I couldn't help but chuckle when she trotted out that piece of garbage. She got indignant and said "I can't believe you are laughing in my face." WHAT? ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME? Your firm produces a total lemon, the customer sends it back for repair and goes without a key component of his home office for a week+ and then gets the same goddamn lemon back....and you want to laud your company for the quick turnaround? I can overnight a box of dogshit too, and I don't have the resources of Apple. Let me offer a suggestion: Shut it before you dig the hole any deeper. I think I'll give the Blue Star Award for Complete and Total Incompetence to Barb.

My laptop is now in the hands of the people at the nearby Apple Store, and they tell me they will take care of things. Lets hope so. I have often thought that real customer service is dead now, and the only way to get any justice is to be the squeaky wheel. This horrific experience only solidified that belief. Thanks, Apple, for destroying your reputation with me in just under 10 days.


Pynchon said...

When all this is over remember to put everything into a letter and send it to the Apple MD, marked confidential. Emails can be ignored easily, but letters cannot. You will get a response. Trust me.

I like your blog, by the way. Very well written. Dry. I like that.

The Nefarious One said...

Thanks for the kind words.
Extra content: I lectured Barbara
about the hold music I encountered during my travel through ApplePhoneTreeLand. I'm not the last word, but I felt comfy taking issue with the Edie Brickell as well as the Seal. Maybe she is a Seal fan.

Righteous Yank said...

Paging Abraham Simpson!

The Nefarious One said...

please do not put me in the crooked old folk's home you saw on 60 Minutes. I'll be good.